What’s Coming Out of Your Horn? – November 1, 2023

LEARN A LITTLE:

What’s Coming Out of Your Horn?

Within the last week, I had two contrasting experiences that have stayed with me. Perhaps, like you, I have frequently repeated the affirmation to myself, “Don’t let other people determine what kind of day you’re going to have.” It’s rather like a preemptive strike, only it’s an internal one made about words and feelings. It’s a guard against discouragement and future negative emotions.

What I have discovered, however, is that in spite of my confidence in this self-talk approach, it may not protect me from having a few bad moments, even when I don’t want to have them. Let me illustrate.

Those of us living in the Chicago metropolitan area have had many consecutive days of rain, drizzle and below average temperatures. It has been downright gloomy. However, on this particular morning, the sun was shining, the temperature was up and the leaves were incredibly colorful. It was beautiful. I had business in town and was entering a building with another person whom I did not know. In the joy of the moment, I smiled and said, “Good morning, isn’t it a gorgeous day out there? What great weather.” The woman looked at me somewhat scornfully and replied or perhaps grunted, “No, it’s too warm. I don’t like it.”

So, she did it to me in a matter of seconds. She ruined my next several minutes. I wanted to say, “Wow, you must be really down right now. I’m sorry,” but that would have been my second option. My first impulse was, “Wow, you must have had a pickle for breakfast,” or something worse.

I was mad at myself for letting someone else, a stranger no less, ruin my good mood. Luckily, I was able to put the moment and my ugly thoughts behind me and get back to enjoying the day. We have to do as Martin Seligman has suggested—put a fence around those times and realize that you just had five bad minutes. You don’t have to let that experience cause you to have a bad day.

The following experience was similar to the first. It was early morning and I was outside–in the rain–waiting to meet a workman I had never met before. When the gentleman arrived, I said, “Hi, how are you doing this morning?” He paused ever so shortly, smiled and said, “You know, I’m really happy. How about you?” I don’t know why, but suddenly I was happy, too. I’m not sure why his response had so much power. Perhaps it was his smile, friendliness or believability—probably all three.

So there you have it—two morning greetings with two strangers, with two different results. With the first person, I wanted to distance myself, move back, run away or say something hurtful. On the second occasion, my reaction to the person was much different. I was drawn to him, wanted to move closer and get to know him.

The truth is that we really do effect other people, even when we don’t realize it.

Let me share the above thoughts one other way. Do you know the music of Charlie Parker, the great jazz saxophonist? He made a very astute observation I would apply to being positive. When asked how he made such great music, he responded, “If you don’t live it, it won’t come out your horn.”

LAUGH A LITTLE:

REFLECT A LITTLE:

READ A LITTLE:

Mindwise: How We Understand What Others Think,
Believe, Feel and Want
Nicolas Epley

(Alfred A. Knopf, 2014) 

While written nearly 10 years ago, I found Nicholas Epley’s book Mindwise most helpful, especially in trying to understand all of the conflict taking place in the world today. A noted social psychologist and professor at the University of Chicago, Epley offers research findings to assist us in relating to others more kindly, thoughtfully and effectively.

He divides the book into four parts. The first three lay out the background: “(Mis)reading Minds,” “Does It Have a Mind?” and “What State Is Another Mind In?” Part 4, “Through the Eyes of Others,” concludes it. In the summary narrative, Epley shares the concept of “perspective getting,” the best way to understand the mind of others.

Basically, it’s a book that seeks to increase our self-understanding and the understanding of others through the use of our sixth sense—“our inferences about what others think, believe, feel and want.” It’s a key element in social and relationship success whether with family, friends, colleagues or employees.

Here’s an interesting observation from the author. “Our species has conquered the Earth because of our ability to understand the minds of others, not because of our opposable thumbs or handiness with tools. In fact, this ability forms the backbone of all cooperative social life. This is why those with greater social sensitivity have stronger friendships, better marriages and are happier with their life in general.”

One of the results of reading this book is a greater sense of humility, a recognition of how poorly we do in predicting the minds of others and how frequently we are overconfident in our “mind reading” abilities. In fact, we are overconfident in our knowledge of “what’s going on in our own heads.”

One of the realities of our flawed mind-reading is that in the absence of having inadequate information or data, we will guess and often as not we guess wrongly, sometimes with disastrous consequences.

I do disagree with the author in terms of his comments regarding parochial altruism in the chapter entitled “How We Dehumanize,” Epley states:

“What distinguishes the violent actors from the nonviolent ones are fully human emotions and motives: a deep connection to a social group, intense empathy for others who have suffered for a cause, and a passionate commitment to defend a livelihood under attack.”

I have no problem with the intent of working out differences with people in a context of social understanding, but this is not a universal principle that applies to all people all of the time.

The author contends that “you fight parochial altruism by weakening boundaries between in-groups and out-groups, between us and them. Far from being weak or soft, winning hearts and minds is the very thing that could turn empathic enemies into allies.”

However, I find it hard to believe, for instance, that Adolf Hitler’s heart or mind could have been won by his sitting down with Jews and Jewish leaders, and together discussing their common ground. Our world has, in fact, experienced the terrible consequences of evil leaders (wicked by nature) and their followers.

In Chapter 5, “The Trouble of Getting Over Yourself,” Epley writes, “One consequence of being at the center of your own universe is that it is easy to overestimate your importance in it, both for better and for worse.” Sad but true.

Chapter 6, “The Uses and Abuses of Stereotypes,” is quite good. In this chapter, “stereotypes” is defined as “a set of beliefs about the personal characteristics of a group.” What has been empirically validated is that the more contact we have had with a particular group, the more likely we are accurate with our beliefs about them. Similarly, the less we know about a group, and perhaps with no contact at all, the more likely we are to be in error. Think Twitter, now X.

In Chapter 7, “How Actions Can Mislead,” many examples are described that you will find interesting—improving school performance, reducing poverty and reducing obesity.

A quick thought about encouraging environmentalism. Basically, everyone knows that littering is wrong. Much more effective than signs reminding people not to litter or warning of fines is to make it easier for people to do the right thing. For example, add more trash containers to your parks.

The book concludes with Epley discussing the downside of two popular approaches to improving our ability to read minds: 1) becoming a better body language expert and 2) imagining yourself in another person’s shoes—perspective-taking. The recommended approach is to “get another person’s perspective, rather than trying to take it.” It requires asking and listening, not just reading and guessing. 

Until next time,

Art Dykstra

Purchase this and other recommended books at your local bookstore or through the HighTidePress.org bookstore.

All High Tide Press sales benefit persons with disabilities.

Cherry Hill Consulting Group and High Tide Press

are Visions of Trinity Foundation - 101 Hempstead Place, Joliet, IL 60433